petraeus flips-his-flopsider and vows to flush insurgency from white house

buoyed in the wake of his ground-buffing campaign to bring ozone-friendly furniture polish, avant-garde odour control, and new-wave anti-static carpet-shampoo to iraq, cap'n david petraeus has stamped his nubuck rockport deckshoe by way of politely re-iterating that july 2011 is simply "a date when a process begins", and insists that he will not be rushing to withdraw service-personnel from mainland united states until he has run his ultra-lite khaki feather-duster along every cornice of the oval office, poked it into every crevice, and relentlessly tickled the enemy until terrorizing them into complete and unconditional submission. petraeus, distinguished in five-star commercial-hygiene operations which have have brought him into contact with some of the most hostile environments in downtown washington dc, and a dour gritty veteran of two deep-cleans, says that he has not survived a bungled assassination attempt by his own staff, and another totally unrelated malicious act of god, just to turn and quit when the going gets a bit messy. the general explained: "when you go into a job like this...you think that it's your last job, especially when you've got a complaints book containing more colourful prose than war and peace, and a contractor who is determined to see you fall flat on your face so he can use a get-out clause, dispense with your services, and then walk right-over you off into the sunset without even stepping in the icky-sticky backyard mud".

meanwhile, sitting on the sharp-end out in afghanistan, general james t conway of the united states marine corps has made the following proposition: "if we can't shift the taliban by mid-2011, we'll just have to meet them man-to-man, smoke a few pipes, hold hands and join forces to strike at our deadly common foe - the po-litically-correctionated pinko poof-lovers in power in washington".

when later asked to comment on general conway's remarks, general petraeus made it clear that he was not currently in a position to make further statements on the affair, as he was heavily occupied, having taken-on overall command of a crucial "disinfection-manœuvre" - apparently he'd had to order his men "over-the-top", although sadly could not join them due to an extremely pressing prior engagement with a smoked-salmon sandwich at the country club.

cameron to encourage teenagers to get stoned

in an innovative bid to reduce the billions of pounds of public-money spent on training and equipping the united kingdom's armed-forces (and then finding them some mad cunt to fight), the prime minister has today announced that the taliban are to lose the lucrative contract for exterminating our delinquent work-shy younger generation, and instead says he plans to make the british yute pay for their own orgiastic 18-30 holidays to the caspian riviera, in iran, where the authorities will be more than happy to oblige by stoning the whole fucking fornicating crew to death for free.

president mahmoud ahmadinejad has cordially welcomed the proposals, enthusing that they usher in a "new era" of anglo-iranian relations - adding that he looked forward to the day when his country would be fully-admitted to the nuclear family, and he would personally be given the nod by the british government to push the button and finish the fucking job off properly.

oh dear...

...i seem to have inadvertantly reported myself to the equality and human rights commission - i had a funny feeling i might do this one day. i in fact emailed saturday's blogpost, a formal apology to guido fawkes, to trevor phillips in the hope of getting the labour party's surveillance-and-bother-squad off my back, but, judging by an aggressive incident in the street yesterday, this ploy has not worked, and the press-gang now appears to want me to comment on message space blogs such as guido fawkes or its nobbly malformed tuber, old holborn - unfortunately, these guys do not appreciate that control and intimidation are not at all conducive to creativity...and as i never received a cunting penny for contributing to these bastard blogs in the first instance, there's fuck all chance i'm going to help them now.

who'd want to write on those two blogs anyway? guido fawkes has a prissy sissy moderation policy, and old holborn has a fussy and frilly comments section which forces one to open numerous little tabs in order to view all the teasingly concealed literary delights - a bit like a blooming big pair of french-fucking-knickers with a built-in advent-calendar. that's, of course, what you get with a bunch of women in charge of the show.

spark up! exclusive: diane abbott says slave trade was legal

during a recent radio interview, labour leadership hopeful, diane abbott, has controversially stated that, although the slave trade was initially considered "legal", it should now be gradually "phased" out, as the boys in blue are making "an absolutely terrible racket" hunting down the runaways 'round her manor in hackney - however, she expressed caution about abolishing the evil practice too quickly, because inner-city immigrant labour votes keep her ladyship in the pampered parliamentary luxury to which she has become well-fucking-accustomed for nearly a quarter of a century.

when later questioned, off-air, on the sticky subject of tony blair's memoirs being pulped into attractive eco-conscious papier-mâché prosthetics for ex-servicemen maimed in the iraq war, ms abbott was quoted as saying she thought it was "a jolly nice gesture", and that, "actually", "tony" deserved "a medal for all the selfless charity-work he has done" - a minority view, it must be said, which was boldly expressed in typically brazen fashion by the feisty member of parliament for stoke newington, flying, as it did, in the face of a widespread grassroots consensus that the millions raised by the bestselling-book might possibly be more constructively spent on building a rocket capable of firing the former prime minister directly into the sun, with a projected optimum journey time of roughly 45 minutes.

a formal apology to guido fawkes

there are times, in all our lives, when we have to admit that we have made a gigantic cods-walloping mistake, and, today, it is (happily) my turn to be human, and to say sorry to the political blogger, guido fawkes.

sorry.

mr fawkes, i am really really sorry to have accused your associates of snooping on me and carrying out, over the past four years, a highly illegal surveillence-operation on behalf of the conservative party.

i am truly sorry,

because it has now been brought to my attention that your associates were, of course, working for the labour government.

since 2006, i have been spied upon and been illegally eavesdropped and tracked via my mobile phone, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. why? because someone, somewhere, did not like the political opinions which i was expressing. i have been subjected to a sophisticated and co-ordinated programme of disinformation, harrassment, and suggestive blackmail which has had the cynical aim of kicking to the curb my freedom of speech - and this, as any writer or artist will acknowledge, is tantamount to a psychological prison sentence. my private premises, along with all other places which i frequent, have been intimately deep-bugged with covert audio-visual recording equipment, my clothes and shoes have been slyly fitted with digital-tracking-equipment, people close to me (including estranged members of my family) have been bribed to monitor my activities and inform on me, my personal computer has been hacked and placed under continual observation by persons who have rented flats in my neighbourhood for this specific purpose - and i have been physically assaulted.

i now realize that this crazy convoluted operation has been mounted in conjunction with members of the security services, and has even involved tailor-made courses of harrassment provided courtesy of government departments such as the jobcentre and its freelance bully-boys, working links - indeed, anyone still naïve enough to work in the public services must now surely come to terms with the fact that every government office, school, and hospital is carefully planted with a strategic network of super-annuated intelligent grasses, the like of which have been keeping tabs on me ever since my days as a civil-service union representative...but god knows, this obsession with mind-control has reached a fever-pitch in recent times and must cost the tax-payer a fucking fortune. my crimes? harsh criticism of british and united states government policy, as promulgated by messrs bush, obama, blair, brown, and cameron - with the iraq and afghan war as my specialist subject.

i will list below the most probable facilitators of my interminable torment, according to rank:

1. lord mandelson
2. trevor phillips obe
3. david lammy
4. meg hillier
5. diane abbott
6. oona king
7. simon woolley

ongoing court proceedings involving a primary provocateur prevent the naming of any additional politicians who may be implicated.

in recognition of dissenting bloggers in the uk, usa, europe, and across the world, my solicitors will not rest until the culprits are judicially exposed and barred from public office forever...

...and in order to save public money, i propose that mr cameron scrap the secret intelligence services with immediate effect - useless fucking cunts.

old holborn goes all english nationalist

bless his little rotten heart, old holborn has resorted to good old english nationalism in order to justify his tirade-mark islamophobia and anti-semitism - he's also having difficulty keeping his stats up these days, so i'll provide him with a couple of links: ever the victim and ever the victim (part two).

in brief, old holborn reckons that the israelis have falsely accused the english of being anti-semitic - a label which, he asserts, despite a long and well-documented history of english and british anti-semitism, is grossly unfair, because once-upon-a-time some israelis blew up some englishmen in palestine. however, old holborn fails to mention that the british military was over in the holy land due to british participation in the second world war, a war which britain, like the united states, had no need to enter, given that hitler really had no desire to invade or fight us, recognizing as he did that we were all fascists of a feather, not in the least concerned about the fate of a few million jews, africans, caribbeans, asians, gypsies, communists or homosexuals, and all hell-bent on empire-building, or empire-preserving - the primary reasons for britain and america's eventual involvement in the conflict.

old holborn then goes on to state that, since the pakistani foreign secretary has deemed the british to have "caused offence" by calling his countrymen terrorists, we english have been falsely accused of being islamophobic - a label which, he asserts, despite a long and well-documented history of english and british islamophobia, is grossly unfair, because once-upon-a-time a few people of pakistani-origin blew up some englishmen in london. however, old holborn fails to mention that the british military have been suppressing, slaughtering and exploiting the citizens of pakistan for a couple of hundred years, all in the name of british colonialism. old holborn also vilifies pakistan for subjecting its citizens to slavery, bonded labour, poverty and for creating a club (islam) which no-one is allowed to leave - yet he fails to recognize that the imposition of british colonialism and neo-colonial democracy has had exactly the same effect. old holborn reckons that pakistan has exported a culture of personal violence to this our beautiful island - yet he omits to point out that we already have the nhs to thank for implementing invasive health procedures and programmes which mutilate the lives of our citizens, both mentally and physically.

whilst i can agree with old holborn that pakistan and israel are governed by murderous, empire-building régimes, i must, unlike him, acknowledge that it was our own english-based murderous, empire-building régime which put them in place...and let us not forget the single proud contribution which english nationalism has made to the world and which still proudly stands our country in good stead today - namely, the concentration camp, now more commonly known as the immigration detention centre. what a fucking disgrace. sort it out cameron you fascist cunt.

in case you've been wondering, the difference between old holborn and spark up is that old holborn is an english nationalist who promotes the dysfunctional traits of our national character, such as racism, sexism, and downright hypocritical bigotry - whereas i, spark up, am an english culturalist who celebrates the finer aspects of traditional english life, such as cricket, fish and chips, and a nice cuppa tea.

cameron says council houses are the dog's bollocks

according to the prime minister, a council kennel is just for about five christmases and not for life - perhaps dave's taking his frustrations out on us plebs now that samantha is getting a little irritated by the cramped subsidized social-accommodation which the cameron's are currently forced to occupy at number 10 downing street? don't worry darling, i doubt whether you'll have to put up with the south west one slum for the full term.

never mind the iraq war

obama is currently making great play of clearing out of iraq, whilst chinlessly puffing out his chest and pushing propaganda in afghanistan. meanwhile, obama-chum cameron is being told to mind his language by prime minister zardari - after the british prime minister picked up on president obama's woeful attempt to put his foot in the great-wiki-war-leak and, in a crudely co-ordinated operation, accused pakistan of aiding taliban terrorism. zardari now has the embarrassing task of pointing out to cameron that britain and the united states do not have a hope in hell of beating the taliban, who are actually winning the defence of afghanistan.

yes, mr obama, there is indeed nothing new in the wiki-leak revelations - we already knew that civilian lives were being sacrificed in afghanistan for the greater good of american self-importance, and that, surprise-surprise, sections of the pakistani administration have been supporting anti-western forces. you see it's all an unfortunate misunderstanding which has occurred due to clumsily implemented terminology - if, mr obama, you had briefed david cameron to accuse pakistan's islamic state of assisting their muslim brothers in the holy jihad against the invading infidel, everyone would have been sweet, except, of course, for those middle-eastern politicians who are getting slushed-up by the cia. it is absolutely natural, mr obama, that other muslim countries are going to back resistance movements mounted against western forces which have immorally occupied the home territory of fellow muslims - this is fucking obvious you dumb cunt. are only christians permitted to repel aggressive intruders, to arm themselves with high-tech weaponry, to congregate and coalesce to mount a holy crusade, and to possess nuclear deterrents? mr obama, you are waging a sham-war in the middle-east for the benefit of your racist voters at home in the united states, but the afghan opposition have seen too many of their women and children aimlessly butchered to play your deadly game of shadow-boxing, they are not sparring - when you trumpet some stupidly-named invasive-surgery operation against the taliban, they just move out and proceed to bite your troops in the ass up some other barren mountain-of-nothingness. you look like an utter dickhead, mr president. obama, it's high time you review your intelligence on the uppityness of iran, pakistan, afganistan, somalia etc etc and decide whether to boost your macho image by taking on the entire muslim world in an inevitably cataclysmic global-war, or whether to fuck-off home like a sensible boy. can't get political support for doing the right thing? then resign like a man. this war ain't got no damn legs, man.