Tuesday 22 June 2010

300 not out


it's just not cricket to bomb civilian men, women and children in a “broken 13th-century country”. fuck off fox.

Saturday 19 June 2010

lola adesioye: miss dangerous...or dangerous miss?


spark up! responds to the following huffington post article (concerning pope benedict xvi's notorious pronouncement that africans should not use condoms) by lola adesioye :

message to the pope: leave africa alone and go back to italy asap

whilst i commend lola on dogmatically biting into the pope's bollocks and refusing to let go, i feel she must be criticized for ignoring the huge impact upon african aids-transmission-rates which has been historically created by under-funded western medical-care programmes and the inevitable consequential unauthorized use of unsterilized medical equipment - a sorry situation which is explored here in a blogpost which draws conclusions based upon the medical reviews of dr david gisselquist, which are listed here.

spark up! exclusive: michelle mopslop demands right to reply


here at spark up! we pride ourselves on our impartial and unbiased reporting of all matters, especially those which concern the president of the united states of america, mr barack obama. accordingly, we have allowed mr obama's american wife, michelle mopslop, the opportunity to respond to allegations of presidential insouciance with regard to the continued enslavement, exploitation and slaughter of african people by western corporations - criticisms which were, of course, contained within a piece written by michelle obarnickel, mr obama's british wife, which was published on spark up! on thursday.

mopslop said she couldn't be arsed to write anything, so i had the inestimable honour of conducting a telephone interview during which she basically expressed no desire to opine upon how hardship in africa is aggravated by political decisions made in the white house - but was extremely keen to point out that she "knew nothing" about the president having any "british bitch", the "bitch" was essentially a "big fat ugly lying dirty black british bitch", and the president couldn't have been up to anything anyway because she'd had the cia install a snake's-eye camera in the end of his doo-da through which she and her mum monitored all barack's motions night-and-day, "so fucking there".

Thursday 17 June 2010

spark up! shock exclusive: comment censored by cia from huffington post


on just her first day of contributing, michelle obarnickel, president barack obama's shunned second wife, a jamaico-briton, has been unceremoniously blocked from commenting on the huffington post - the internationally-celebrated blog, second only in world-rankings to your own dear, beloved, spark up!

unconfirmed rumours of a covert cia operation to gag michelle obarnickel are now orbiting the globe at supersonic-speed. white house officials deny "any involvement" by michelle mopslop, president obama's super-controlling first wife, an afro-american, in the scandalous affair.

we are greatly honoured and thrilled that michelle has approached us (in tears) here at spark up! and have naturally jumped at this unique opportunity to publish the full unexpurgated dirt below:


comment by michelle obarnickel in response to an article by harry shearer entitled:


a word to bp shareholders



i hate to be the one to break this to you, harry, i really do, but barack obama was set up by the cia to sanitize the bloody-war crap, the economic-crash crap, and the environmental-polution crap, which was left behind by the republicans - all this whilst soiling his own reputation in the process. the current president is a single-term skittle, deliberately poised to be bowled-flat, for maximum points, leaving the deck cleared for republicans to re-rack and start a new game. unfortunately for the cia, it chose to enlist the assistance of the nigero-centric african-american mafia to facilitate their fall-guy's accelerated ascension to power, and, having rumbled the conceited agency's rotten ruse, a tiny kernel of black intellectuals configured their own power-play - they rustled up a slick saboteurial sub-scheme whereby african-americans would sneak in first, strike out the pretentious president's hypocritical humanist values, accrue maximum black-political capital, and leave white-liberal america blushing bare-assed at the home-plate, in front of stands packed-full with gob-smacked republican spectators.

now that's exactly where we are today - we have a black president administrating a neo-colonial empire, on behalf of white american liberals. this protectionist, interventionist, exploitative african-american president has hardly visited africa, let alone done anything to free black africans from suffocating international trade-agreements designed to keep white americans in the manner to which they are accustomed. middle-class white americans continue to profit from 'equities' in corporations which leave african and middle-eastern countries mutilated by war and environmental sacrilege: congo cobalt and copper = 10 million dead (this decade alone), iraqi-afghan oil = x million dead (and never mind the poppy or arms trade). the crux of this problem is encapsulated in the niger delta region, nigeria, where oil-spills and gas-flaring have been destroying lives, livelihoods and essential natural environment, day-in, day-out, for decade-upon-decade, yet these daily events never make the headlines in the united states of america - whose cosseted citizens reap the benefits, whilst in the commercial capital, lagos, nigerians do not even have a constant electricity-supply sufficient to light their homely-shacks...and gasolene is at a super-inflated premium.

so now the republican oil-giants have launched a suicide attack against their own country, and they want the democrats to clear up the mess, or pass the buck on to the british - laugh? i nearly pooed myself. well i am british, and i'm sick to death of the cia arrogantly assuming it can appoint our prime ministers and interfere in our political process (against our will), and i'm sick of the united kingdom doing the cia's dirty work, and i'm sick of the other michelle and the cia usurping, repressing and intimidating the british blogging scene for their own (american) ends - so go find someone else to suck on your filthy pipe.

you see, i'm barack obama's other (black british) wife, and i know that, no matter how deeply black people around the world despise his callous political prejudice towards africa (and believe me they do, with a vengeance), they will only assassinate my husband with their barbwire-tongues...but when his ridiculous sham civil-righteous stance becomes an outright embarrassment to white americans, he will be removed, rapidly...by whatever means necessary - and that is why i want my man to resign this untenable preposterous position with immediate effect, on health and safety grounds, because i love him, and i love our children, dearly. god save africa. amen.



update 17.06.01, 17.00hrs:

the huffington post has finally relented and published michelle's heart-rending plea for human rights for african-african humans - it goes without saying that spark up! takes absolutely no credit for bringing pressure to bear on the huffington post's arse in order to ensure that the true story of american corporate cannibalism was promulgated stateside.

Wednesday 16 June 2010

decade bloody decade


£195 million to investigate one afternoon of british brutality - no wonder the british government cannot countenance an inquiry into the iraq, afghanistan and pakistan wars...

Tuesday 15 June 2010

barack obama: the african-american president who avoids africa like the black plague


ignoring his unhistoric gob-stop in egypt where he tried out some new mouthwash on the muslims, obama has made only one flying-trip to a truly black african nation - the grateful hosts on that occasion of high-security, cia-street-cleansing, and cranked-up-media-momentum, being the west-cosy ghanaian government of president john atta mills. indeed, at the time he granted his ground-snogging visitation to mother africa's bosom, obama made it diamond-clear that he would not be staging further presidential-manifestations upon african soil unless the local ruling governments in question met the strict cock-sucking requirements laid-down by his united states' administration - the sole exception to this stipulation being when united states' forces had previously occupied that particular country, secured all tourist attractions, and swept the safari park.

of course, the real reason for mr obama's shyness in materializing in the mummy-continent is the multitude of highly-fucked-off muslims and other assorted anti-arrogant-asshole africans, who realize (either by the grace of having watched islamic afghan families splattered on prime-time telly, or having engaged in fruitless attempts to sell crops to the usa, or having had the minerals pulled out from under their very feet by cia-armed warlords) that this protectionist, interventionist, extractionist president does not give a toffee about africa, and would like to pop him - before the place is suffocated, slaughtered and sucked-dry by his political profiteering.

no doubt, mr obama may soon be dropping-in to support his soccer team in south africa, safe in the knowledge that there are lots of lovely white people living there who own all the nice bits - i do, however, have it on good authority that he is praying to god almighty for the stars 'n stripes squad to be eliminated early, this being a result which would excuse him from sitting through 90 minutes of tedious soccerball in a stadium-fit-for-snipers.

Saturday 12 June 2010

spark up! exclusive: bp (blow-pipe) unlimited - the facts behind the fuck-ups


at the core of one of their trademark unsubtly-synchronized damage-limitation exercizes, the british mainscream media are trotting out one of their sloppiest stories ever: how the bp oil-spill has polluted the anglo-american 'special relationship' - you know, what with bp being a 'british' company 'n all. well, well...i'm sure that my esteemed 'n educated readers (tom and dick) will have spotted straight-off that bp plc is, in reality, a multi-national enterprise which trades shares on stock-markets around the globe, and, after a cursory blink at the company's wikipedia entry, they will have realized, like i, that supernova bp is a concern native to iran - a fact which may go an awful long way towards explaining president obama's current hostile relationship with this slimy shower's board of directors, despite their generous donations to democratic party funds, and the fact that roughly 40% of the shareholders are americans (the other 60% being split 40:20 between britons and penguins respectively). to be fair, this ownership-profile reveals bp as the mother-cunt-fucking epitome of the incestuous relationship between the united states and great britain. anyway, even though bp's tax-return is basically paying the guy's wages, obama still persists with the view that the blotch formerly known as the anglo-persian oil company is actually a british sub-branch of al qaeda - a view which, as it turns out, is totally incorrect.

as regular spark up! readers will undoubtedly have guessed, the origins of the deepwater horizon cowboy-plumbing extravaganza are not to be found in iran, nor in alaska (where bp last dumped), nor indeed in bp's super-downsized health and safety department (which is rumoured to consist of an ancient and yellowing no-smoking notice informally blu-tacked to the door of a deserted shack located someplace in death valley, california), but are to be discovered on mr obama's very own doorstep, in downtown kingston, jamaica, at the official residence of president spudus of the unknown underworld. spark up! special investigators have ascertained that the strange fuse of occurrences, which alledgedly lit the explosion in the gulf, began when the president was on vacation in miami, florida, and elected to pull into an amoco (bp) gas station with the simple and honest intention of tanking-up his swanky customized sports-utility-vehicle (bumper force one) with some of their high-grade merchandise. it apparently all kicked-off when, president spudus, being the man of breeding that he is, decided it appropriate to compliment the somewhat over-qualified lady-cashier upon the amplitude of her burgeoning bosoms - however it instantly transpired that the beleaguered buxomized black beauty did not require further endorsement of her upholstery beyond the 1088 lovingly crafted commendations which she had already received on that very day alone, and reading the premonitions in his palm's-eye, brazenly grabbed his bills (to pre-empt premature palpitation), but blankly refused to give him the nectar points he desired on his bp ultimate club key tag, a situation which distressed the president greatly, as he was very fond of collecting the maximum possible number of loyalty points for his account.

on returning to his homeland, the president retired to his conical office and pondered the irritating incident which had cast a shadow over his break in the subject states - and upon reflection, he decided that, he had, in all likelihood, over-stepped the mark on the breast-front, and had, in all ignorance, probably breached local custom and traditional protocol regarding such occasions, and holding this thought firmly in his head, the president took it upon himself, following all the correct procedures and channels, to contact the chief executive of bp, make full his apology and, in the process, hopefully get his nectar points re-instated. as one would expect, when dealing with a person of such lowly status as mr tony hayward, the commuting time for emails was rather lengthy, nevertheless, after a few months, the president was eventually rewarded with a reply - unfortunately, the language of the message was rather rude, and addressed neither the offended bust-matter, nor the summarily withheld nectar points. the president, being a reasonable and mild-tempered fellow, made one last attempt to resolve the cultural misunderstanding, and despatched a final proposition, wherein he detailed that, if the traumatized lady in question would care to accept, by way of apology, an expensive candlelit dinner for two at a classy oceanside miami grille, he would be quite agreable to receiving one of those jazzy green 'n yella bp t-shirts as commensurate compensation for his elusive nectar points - particularly as the garment's colour scheme reminded the president of his own national flag. tragically, mr hayward plumped to respond in the most brusque of manners - opining that he didn't 'give a fancy-fuck about some two-bit amoco attendant's humongous hooters' or how they felt, and also ventured to suggest that the logo-design of the shirt would not 'show off' the president's 'delightfully dark skin tone' to its 'best advantage'. naturally, as readers can only imagine, the president was devastated by the chief executive's etiquettical cataclysm, but chose, in that peculiar jamaican way, to keep his thoughts to himself (namely, that mr hayward's public relations advisor would definitely benefit from rapid retraining from the contents of a mac-10 machine-pistol magazine). i daresay i need hardly mention that, on the following morning, the president took out his speedboat for a long leisurely fishing-trip, happened, during his cruise, upon a conveniently sited semi-submersible offshore exploratory drilling rig (owned by bp), stopped to nyam on his jerk-chicken lunch, got into jovial conversation with some of the oilfield-workers on the platform, and carelessly flicked the butt of a blazing spliff down the main drillshaft. the rest, i believe, is history - and quite a costly mess.

for the reasons outlined above, i would explain to mr obama, were i ever to have that extremely dubious pleasure, that 99% of britons have about as much in common with bp plc as they have with a suitcase jammed-out with 100 billion dollars' worth of semi-hard us currency. furthermore, i sincerely hope that this unfortunate little turn of events will not deter michelle from doing t with the queen, as t says he always enjoys these parties immensely. as for the upcoming soccer match between the usa and england, i trust and pray that junior ball-boy cameron picks the football out of the net less times than chief ball-boy obama - because, as an englishman, but a fairly flippant soccer fan, i deeply resent obaman-cia interference in the political process of the country where i have washed up. spark up's prediction? that the special relationship and bp have suffered a fatal farcical stroke of rotten luck.

Tuesday 8 June 2010

since the fall of the labour government, the bbc has started to report pakistani civilian deaths by (american) drone


is the labour party's new anti-war stance simply a cynical socialist ploy to swipe back power at the next election? or does this mean the beginning of the end of britain's 'special relationship' with the united states? or do labour party chiefs believe that obama really intends to withdraw american forces from the middle-east?